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:iconiemoticoon:
Vision: 5/5
The concept and ideas behind this story is endearing and captivating. I really enjoy the simplicity of the plot. You make the reader become immersed in Den's adventures in his new school. However, as simple as the story is, there lacks depth. You make it clear that Den is a nice, caring, and a bit shy individual during the events of the first episode. In the second episode, you see more of these characteristics as he protects Leon from the other lion. This part of the story I thought could have been deeper:

"Hey Leon,you know having a small mane is bad right?"The lion said in a rude way.
"I told you,I like my mane short.It looks better,"Leon grumbled.

I understand what you're trying to get, but, it seems rushed and role-playish the way the dialogue continues. So to sum it, I'd like to see more depth so you can really bring out the personality of your characters and help the plot. Overall, you're doing a great job with your story and keep it up!

Originality: 4/5
I like the story so far. It may seem cookie-cutter and cliche but there are a few quirks that set this story apart from others. Some of these little quirks is the fact that the entire academy consists of furries or anthropomorphic animals. I'll be biased but that's awesome.

Technique: 3/5
Honestly, I had trouble reading this for a little while. One reason is because the lack of punctuation. I do not know why you do not have a space between the end of a sentence and the start of a sentence. Is it a word processor issue? If so, try to resolve it and your story will be much easier to read. As far as dialogue goes, I believe it's very immature at times. I think the dialogue is cute but there are lapses of variety and diction. Also, there are a few spelling errors that should be noted. Try using SpellCheck to fix spelling errors. Aside from this, I do appreciate the fact that you start a new paragraph when there is dialogue. That is an advanced writing skill that a lot of people do not use. Good job on that!

Impact: 4/5
The impact of the story so far is good. I believe you could do better though! The initial meeting with the bully was a bit childish. If you are to make a bully character, make him mean! Make him unlikable! Other than that, I really enjoyed the end when Leon talks to others about Den. It really shows development and a bit of insight towards Leon's true feelings.

Overall:
I believe you're doing an excellent job on this story. Keep it up! It's very imaginative and is getting better as the story progresses. You're able to capture my attention with the dialogue, characters and the simplicity of the plot. Although this critique may seem a bit harsh, I took the time and effort to write this so that you can improve. Please consider some of the things I've said into your future writings. Keep it up and I know Furry Academy will be a memorable story! ^^
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:icondentora-tora:
DenTora-Tora Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Thank you very much,this means a lot to me.I understand that it's not too good on some points but a good story line is what I aim for.Also my dumb computer doesn't have a spell check,unless I write it on google crome,but I hate doing that since there are annoying pop up adds all over it.Hopefully one day I'll have the time to correct the mistakes,usualy I can't sit still correcting when I've got ideas in my head about the next episode.Thanks again for critiquing,it does mean a lot.
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:iconiemoticoon:
iEmoticoon Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
If you want, I can help you with that!

Just send me the file and I can fix everything. It wont be perfect but it'll help. 8D
Reply
:icondentora-tora:
DenTora-Tora Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
I don't know how to do that,sorry < ; ^ ; >
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